My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.