My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.