Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

I am all good here, 😂😉

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.