My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Tremendous stuff
it must be school picture day
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?