Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!