My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.