My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
scared to check what name she chose
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I hope Alan is OK
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.