My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
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“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Saturday
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Can. I. Help. You.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
LMAO.
