Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

A roof is a house hat.

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.