Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

Aw man, but that’s the best part

what it’s like dating me:

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*