@PinkCamoTO

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

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@DomesticGoddss

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

@MommaUnfiltered

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@thegayfarmerguy

Doc: You have gallstones
Me: Ugh.
Doc: You can control it with diet.
Me: Great!
Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods…
Me: Take it out.

@Super_Cynthia

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

@iamopeimu

My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day

@JimmerThatisAll

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

@SashaBrenner

One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 🙁