My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Customer is always right
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Yoga Matt
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
oppen heimer style lol
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm