My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

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Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.


The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.


Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.


Doc: You have gallstones
Me: Ugh.
Doc: You can control it with diet.
Me: Great!
Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods…
Me: Take it out.


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day


I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 🙁