My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
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this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson: