My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
My therapist after every session
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
That earthquake could have been an email.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
won’t smith
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No