Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

found this cool rock hiking today

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?