My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Have kids, they said
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder