My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The glockness monster
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?