My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
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Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Warm pools make me nervous.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds