Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

January 1st: anything is possible

January 2nd: but not today

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.