My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.