My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…