@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

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@DillDoes

Being a worm must great. Its like “wow that dirt was great I hope there’s more” and there always is

@kumailn

“Kumail.
Kumail.
K. U. M.
No. M.
Just write Jason.”

– me right after ordering coffee

@johnlevenstein

My goal when I go to a friend’s house for dinner is to befriend the dog to the point its loyalty is tested.

@3sunzzz

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

@jctwritesstuff

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

@daddydoubts

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

@JaySuch

My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.

@DirtyySouthMess

I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.

@Jez1

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

@1_swarthy_dude

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.