My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.