My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

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Being a worm must great. Its like “wow that dirt was great I hope there’s more” and there always is


K. U. M.
No. M.
Just write Jason.”

– me right after ordering coffee


My goal when I go to a friend’s house for dinner is to befriend the dog to the point its loyalty is tested.


“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.


Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M: So like no hard liquor or…?


Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.



My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.


I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.


You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.


Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.