My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
🛁
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
What a chick magnet..
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year