Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.