Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

There are no pants in heaven.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.