My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
🤷♀️
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long