Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Unexpected Judgment

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.