My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
i meant to share this earlier
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
IT’S-A ME,
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died