My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
#SaturdayBears
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!