My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.