My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Ha
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location