My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
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Apparently, this is how the world ends.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
If looks could kill