You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
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I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.