My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad馃槳
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of J盲germeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn鈥檛 be hell then would it
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it鈥檚 supposed to be safe, but I just don鈥檛 understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker鈥檚 still on, Captain.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
7yo: Who鈥檚 older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa鈥檚 not real.
Broke a plate. Now it鈥檚 Canadian.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If there鈥檚 a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot