My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.