Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?