My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side