Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

this is me

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Denise please return my vape pen

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.