Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.