My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”