Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

We like the way Dwight thinks

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.