My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Not with that attitude
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Fries, not lies.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
@ candidates for local office
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.