Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*