My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The best shot in the history of golf
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My five year plan is a meteorite
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.