My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
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Not all heroes wear capes.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.