Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!