My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
A family that plays together cheats.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!