My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Who the hell called them pot holes and not rodents?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again
wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance
me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?