@squirrel74wkgn

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

You Might Also Like

@ISOremarkable

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

@omgthatspunny

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.

@JeffMyspace

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

@JD_KC

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

@tweetsbyrocket

[hospital]

me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening

@murrman5

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

@Jeffwni

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

@Darlainky

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

@FU_TangClan

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?