Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

She: I like Cats
He:

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.