Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

I missed you with all my darts

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

what is cheese if not milk persevering

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

From my Mom

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.