My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.