My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is