My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”