my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”