my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
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Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
good work, everybody
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.