my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I bet
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.