Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.