My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
can I use a minion as a tampon
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here