My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.


The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?


I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.


P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.


This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!


Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.


Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.


My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.


Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.