@Dallani: My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
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@iwearaonesie: wife *opens First Aid kit* me: wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos? me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Kim Kardashian's birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It's almost like it was made for TV! Wait....
@LostFelicia: I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
@Stellacopter: Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.