@Dallani

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

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@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

@NoticablyBacon

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

@JaymayAllDay

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@QwertyJones3

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

@birbigs

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

@ANNIEwayyyy

Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

@sip_at_home_mom

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

@Arroia

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.