My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I just want an internship man
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
🤣✨#caturday
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
