My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Finally, an explanation.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
