My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Give us this day our daily internet validation
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
#JohnTravolta
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.