Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

God, I love Scotland