My hips? Compulsive liars.
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Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
grotesque if literal: baby food
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking