My hips? Compulsive liars.
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Don’t snitch tag.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?