My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
A new level of troll.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.