Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

me

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon