My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
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Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.