My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
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Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Heroic Misunderstanding
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!