Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that