My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
