@IDontSpeakWhine

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

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@bees_wingz

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

@rachelle_mandik

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@EllaZee5

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

@mattZillaaaa

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

@bazecraze

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

@_sweet_ham

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@Los01001111

I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.

@FlyJ_

I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.