My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
cyclists
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator