My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
ugh not again
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest