my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
me irl
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!