my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza