My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
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Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
this is literally a CIA plant
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.